|FAMILY...cant live with em...cant SHOOT EM!
||[Jul. 25th, 2007|12:26 pm]
FAMILY...cant live with em...cant SHOOT EM! |
Reading this post [Click here to read it] again is kind of interesting because something happened 2 weeks ago that felt like totally out of the blue, but actually reading this...its nothing new, I just am constantly suprised by my mothers behaviour.
I went back to Leeds, Yorkshire (where I'm from), a couple of weeks ago, to play a gig with my band. I also visited my mother while I was there. Everything was going well.. it was pleasant.. we went for a coffee, it was nice, then she started saying she didnt like the way I was dressed and she wanted to buy me some new clothes, I didnt want to make an argument so I said 'ok'...
We went to some shops. She kept on picking out female clothes, I kept on refusing them, I kept on picked out male clothes, she kept on refusing them... till eventually I picked out some black jeans, a male cut ..but kind of tight, she compromised and let me try them... I tried them on and they looked cool, tight around the butt but with room around the front (good for packing I thought) and even without packing they looked good. I walked out to display myself uncomfortably to my mother (Urgk! a feeling I DESPISED!) she looked at me and looked DISGRACED, like she was on BOIL, then suddenly she grabbed my crotch and said "Whats THAT for, your LUNCHBOX?!" I felt like all my confidence just was swiped away from under me and I ran back into the changing room and nearly cried, took off the jeans got back into my old clothes as fast as I could and started to walk out.. she said she was sorry and that she would buy them if I wanted, I said NO and i just wanted to leave now and she made me feel horrible, she said 'dont let it spoil the whole day', I just remained silent trying to ignore how bad I felt. I didnt say anything for a while, I got flashbacks to being a child, humiliated, she bought me a vegan flapjack to win me over (Something she would NEVER do, being vegan is also something she dislikes about me), I tried to act normal, I just thought to myself..'you are not a child anymore, she is not in control of you, be strong'. SO I said nothing about it, just to get on with the day.
Later on we were at her house talking.. then she AGAIN started to question my image.. she was saying it was the wrong image for me, that I should look softer, more feminine, because that is what I was, female. I told her that it made me feel good to dress the way I dress and thats why I do it. She said that people would think that I was 'intimidating and hard' dressed the way I dressed and I wouldnt be able to get close to people. I said that I was close to people and that I didnt see my appearance as something that interfered with my relationships, infact feeling good about myself and the way I look made my relationships better. She said that I had a lot of feminine qualities people might not see if I dressed the way I dressed, like the fact I was kind, nurturing, sensitive etc.. I said that a lot of boys are kind and sensitive and they dress like boys..people dont think they are feminine or like women dressed as boys because of it. I said I felt happy looking like a boy. She got a magazine out with womens dresses in... she asked me if I liked any of them, if I had to wear one of the dressed which one would I wear... I said I wouldnt wear any of them, I hated them. She said she would buy me any of the dresses no matter how expensive, just to see me dressed that way, I said dont waste your money or energy I really dont want to wear any of them. She said that the way I am is just going to isolate me from the world, that I would be lonely, that I can't always be in a queer world, she said that I am already pushing my family away..they don't understand why I am the way I am, it isn't their sister\daughter anymore. She said how are you going to do anything, get job etc... when you fill out the forms and you have to tick the FEMALE box, because that 'IS what I am', and they see infront of them a MALE person... how will you explain it...I said that actually I ticked the male box now...
she was in dispair, her head in her hands, shaking her head...'but your my daughter, I had two boys and then I had you and I was so happy have a daughter and now your taking that away from me'...'You didn't have a daughter, you had me, this is the way I am' I said. She said suddenly 'Lets change the subject, I cant talk about this anymore!'.
I went out to the gig.
The next day I called her in the morning, she said "I saw a film last night on TV, it kept me awake, Ive been chain smoking for 10 hours. It was about a girl called 'Tina Brandon'"...I was quiet for a minute...
my heart sunk.... like a hit of grief to the stomach..
I said "*BRANDON* Tina.. that was *HIS* name..", she said she needed to talk to me about it.. we met for breakfast.. "How can you choose this life" she said..."what if this happens to you"..I said that I chose to live in a big city for that reason, its for safety..I am more careful too...there is more tolerance in the big city, but yes, it *could* happen, that is the risk of being different in a world so obsessed with norms and rules that it violently tries to make everybody conform to protect its values...but I cant help being different, Id rather be myself and get killed than live a lie which is like dying anyway... but I said if people become more tolerant then I will be safer (implying that she should be also more tolerant) and I said I have people that support me, other queers, Brandon Tina didnt have that, I am much luckier than him. Again she said we should change the subject.. and we had breakfast and that was that.